I had three people come to me tonight for dating advice. I guess I’m still baffled by this.
I had a cry/whinge/chat to someone today about the fact I am alwaaaaysssss the single girl and I’m impatient as fuck around the timing and how long this is taking for me to meet someone 😂 lately it’s been getting to me a bit — emotionally/mentally — as I keep thinking there must be something physically wrong with me as I am literally repelling men.
Our chat revolved around our paths and how it definitely has not been easy for us (we’re going through different things, but follow the same path of ‘this definitely isn’t easy and we are trying all the fucking things’) and how much empathy we have for people going through the same and how much absolute fucking gratitude we will have for when it finally happens for us.
My timeline for life is happening so much slower than I’d ever imagined it would. There are times where daily I will place my head in my hands and sob because I feel so stuck. I feel like I’m on a 12 year apprenticeship and when I think I’m ready to graduate, I hear a “not yet babe, we’re not sure when it’s going to happen but you’re just going to have to keep showing up.”
But going through the shit I have with dating means I respond a lot with ‘I hear you, I see you babe’ rather than the ‘fix yourself! And 47272 other things you can do to get a man in your life’ approach we’ve been brainwashed with by male dating coaches selling their $499.00 ecourse on ‘how to get the guy’ and terrible advice from your well-meaning friends.
That’s why I started writing dating articles in the first place — To share with other singles that yes, dating can be shit, and yes, it’s shit for me too, but here’s how to make it less shit and still keep your self-worth intact.
My book was never about finding love. It’s about red flags and what isn’t normal in dating to give people who are dating/new to dating a framework that isn’t based on changing yourself to meet someone.
No one ever shares that. It’s always advice on waiting how many days to text and how your last text jeopardised the start of something you stupid, stupid girl and WHY on earth did you show too much boob or use the wink emoji?! Now he’s definitely going to only see you as sex. You bought this upon yourself… *insert eye roll*.
The more I date and the messier it seems the be, the more I realise that people, the ‘gurus’ are just well-marketed people with a great Facebook ads person and the ability to tap into the vulnerability of others with the promise of changing yourself to meet the man of your dreams.
It makes me so sad and completely explains my conditioning of why when something doesn’t go my way I immediately preen and look at things to fix and meticulously analyse everything that happened between us and go to others and ask how I can fix myself. How I can be less ‘me’ as I seem to be the common denominator with my success in dating.
But here’s the thing, when my book is released, it will be birthed from a cumulation of terrible fucking dates, working through trauma and a mountain of experience with men. It would never have happened if my wish was granted at 17 when I first cried into my hands at me wanting to meet someone and he appeared. It wouldn’t have happened if every date was glorious. It wouldn’t have happened if I were already married with two kids in tow. It wouldn’t have happened.
So I must respect the process and the journey I’m being lead along the way to my books completion. I put the pen down (well, I didn’t open the Google Doc again) 12 months ago because I wasn’t ready to finish it, and I thank myself for trusting that gut nudge to wait just a little longer for me to finish it.
I reckon it’s time.
[ photograph of moiiii by the talented Hannah Rose Robinson ]