My musings for the month of April.
Yesterday I sat down at my friend’s house after I begged her to do my tarot cards. I like astrology. Maybe because it’s cheaper than therapy and the cards can have a choose your own adventure feel?
Even a card with some scary imagery and the meaning of death can actually be positive, as endings often imply new beginnings.
Although there were some positive aspects to the individual cards, when you looked at the big picture, they agreed with what I was feeling – I was in a big fat funk.
One of the cards symbolised that there’s a road ahead but it isn’t accompanied by a clear path. It reminded me of when I chose to do orienteering for sport in year nine. I grew up not being very sporty and this seemed like the least sportiest option of the bunch. Little did I know that my school’s version of orienteering meant that our science teacher would drop us a few km’s from school with a map and a dodgy compass and we were expected to find our way back.
There was maybe one person that found their way back to school okay. But the rest of us? We’d be wandering around wondering WTF we were meant to be doing. We knew there was meant to be a way, but not really having anything explained to us or a clear path meant that we’d go around in circles, making bad decisions (like the time I decided to trek through a muddy field and ruined my brand new white New Balance sneakers) but deep down, we knew that our teacher would come find us, rescue us and take us back to school.
The difference between that story and how I feel right now, is I don’t have a science teacher who is going to come and save the day and show me how to get from point A to B. I have to do it myself.
I felt like my Pilates studio was point A and Professional Babe was point B. Stopping one would mean a clear path to another.
I thought removing the stress of my studio it would see my anxiety lift and the universe would realise how serious I am about this, causing my inbox to be flooded with collaborative opportunities.
A lot of those potential doors that I thought would open, I realised were actually shut. Actually, I think they’re deadbolted and accompanied with a sign that said: Peta can you please go away?
I was stuck between the ‘you should hustle’ and the ‘what’s meant for you won’t pass you by’.
And my brain was so consumed with thoughts, I’d often lose massive chunks of time in an anxiety spiral. My head would fill with questions that made me question what the fuck I was doing and have I made one big mistake? I just wanted someone to tell me what I should be doing and how to get to that next step. But no one could.
A few triggers of these spirals came from a few big brands saying no to working with me because I was a little too risque for their audience. It had me questioning my authenticity and the fact that how can I make my brand work if everyone is already saying no? Will there be any people left at the end of the day? Will I have to stop swearing and writing about dating to get work? Will I have to make the hard decision of losing my voice because I need to get work so I can pay my bills?
I naively thought that in the space of a month that I’d have 70% of my shit together, a little buffer of cash in the bank and a handful of brands wanting to work with me.
But as those card in front of me were saying is there is a way ahead, but it’s one hell of a journey that I’m going to have to navigate myself.
I guess we’re all on a journey. And some of us are lucky that the path is as clear as the yellow brick road. And for those – like myself – that choose to go down a new road of the unknown, we just have to accept that there isn’t a clear path for us to navigate and we may take a few wrong turns along the way. And no one is going to have the exact answers to help you get there.
It’s all down to you.