My musings for the month of February.
It was approximately 1.40am on Monday morning when I was laying in bed asking myself a question I couldn’t possibly answer – why the fuck isn’t 2017 getting any easier.
My body felt so tired yet my brain was so switched on as I kept remembering I had to be at work in six hours time. I had so many thoughts circling through my head and all I could do was overthink and cry and alternate between the two. Sleep definitely wasn’t happening.
My current lack of sleep wasn’t helped by the fact I kept getting out of bed every so often to turn the lights on to see how different my crying face looked with my recent botox treatment (as you can still be totally upset yet vain AF hoping you aren’t an ugly crier anymore. Side note, I DO actually look completely different when I cry).
I thought things would start looking up and falling into place like a game of Tetris. I thought the opportunities would roll in, I’d start to get money in the bank, I’d reach my goal weight and Tom Hardy lookalikes would be lining around the block for a date with me!
Yet February turned out nothing like that little ideal version I pictured in my head…
Most days would start after I’d press snooze four times to try and get a little more bed time in after a night of broken sleep. As my feet hit the ground I’d give myself a pep talk about how I could get through today and only to focus on three main things. I’d go to my day job that I felt I was progressively getting shitter at and the fact I had more people cry in February at my studio that I have in my entire 9 years of teaching didn’t help that. I’d come home, muster up enough energy to send emails related to Professional Babe, go back to Pilates and get home at 9 pm at night before doing more work and eventually clocking off somewhere around 11 pm.
A 14 hour day was standard practice and I literally couldn’t keep on top of everything I had to do. I was exhausted, but equally, I felt bad and like I couldn’t complain about anything because half my anxiety was around MY businesses!
Why is it that we feel so guilty to admit when we are struggling or just need a break or like we need to filter how we feel. I find it really hard to admit to people that my Pilates studio stresses me out sometimes or that I feel like a failure that I could send 100 pitch emails for my Pilates DVD and I could get two responses with companies saying they’ll each buy five copies.
I’m not saying this for sympathy, but I think we often look at those who work from home or have their own business with this glorified idea of what it’s like. Even I’m guilty of wearing rose coloured glasses whilst looking at other influencers.
People who say with envy they wish they were me so they could coffee shop hop with a laptop in tow. Yet most days I’m sleep deprived and so stressed that I feel I’m doing nothing well. I drink wayyyyy too much coffee eat more kebabs than a sober person ever should (but happy Peta or sad Peta still loves a good kebab).
And although I do love the entrepreneurial rollercoaster of ups and downs and chasing that high, sometimes it all gets a little too much. Especially when other areas of your life … ahem, men… feels like it’s lacking too. I know for a fact I use men as bandaids to mask the shit that’s happening in my life. I even surprise myself that when my world could be crumbling around me, if I have a man in my life who makes me happy, I can easily hold it together.
I didn’t want to present to you a sunshine and lollipops letter as if you follow me on my Instagram stories, you’d know it was total faux BS because of late I’ve been sifting through some shit.
And although I’m craving some form of stability to happen and an abundance of good to come my way, I guess I need a particular benchmark so I can really appreciate the good when it starts to happen.
So thank you to the excess of total shit that’s seemingly made its way into my life – weevils, married men, broken plumbing, big bills and difficult people I’m looking at you. You are the benchmark to make me appreciate when the conga line of Tom Hardy lookalikes, free kebabs, Gucci and opportunities make their way into this PB’s life.
Photo by the ever amazing Hannah Rose Robinson. Please check out her work, she’s incredible.