My thoughts and musings for the month of May.
After much whinging that my social calendar was as lean and lacking due to work, I was excitedly approaching a full and fun weekend.
Or so I thought.
A vomiting bug had a different idea.
All my plans were cancelled and I had a date with my toilet bowl instead.
As I was heaving up the contents of my cup of tea, I remember asking the universe why it was doing this to me. I had big plans! Why the hell was it getting in the way?
Or was it actually myself who was getting in the way of the universe?
The whole week leading up, I was feeling very much ‘less than’ and every obstacle was telling me to just stop and process it. But I was adamant that I had to keep charging ahead and keep laser-focussed on making all the money and doing all the things.
I was dealing with numerous tech issues, scans and tests relating to my hip (Anything medical IMO is exhausting – even if there’s a positive outcome) and I’d clocked up 70,000 words in just under seven days.
I felt like I had no brain power left to function or even write this article. (Sorry it’s a little late, BTW.)
Yet I just kept pushing through, despite my body pleading that I just take a break. Because I felt like all these distractions were just taking me off track. And I can’t afford to go off track!
I didn’t have time to rest or stop – my rest day would be the weekend. And when I mean rest, I mean a weekend of carefully tessellated plans with minimal time to sleep, pee, breathe etc. Ambitious planning, I will admit.
It became one of those stay in bed weekends where you’re either cuddling your pillow trying to sleep or cuddling the toilet bowl trying not to fall in.
I was shattered.
And in an attempt to take my mind off my very poopy day, I went to social media. As when you want to feel bad about your life, you might as well go and browse everyone else’s highlights reel? Amirite?
My friend Rosie had shared a video by Gabby Bernstein. And although a lot of Gabby’s teachings don’t exactly resonate with me, I kind of felt that I needed to watch it.
You know that intuitive feeling you get? The kind where you just have this feeling you need to go to the bar … and there’s an unadvertised two-for-one martini special… AND it’s filled with a great hot-single-guy to woman ratio? And you just thank your lucky stars you listened to your gut that day? It was that feeling.
So I watched it.
Although her personal anecdote in the video is far removed from what I’m going through, I found her journey oddly familiar to mine. The constant need to plan. The constant need to control absolutely everything. (I am Virgo BTW).
Only for your plans, well, not go to plan. And no matter how much you try and how hard you push, you’re just met with more resistance.
When you stop and look around, you just feel so.damn.behind and you end up feeling like a failure.
A tremendous failure.
Because everyone is doing all these things and achieving all the things you wish you could be doing. It’s kind of like you’re stuck in the mud in the middle of nowhere without a compass (or iPhone, let’s be real).
(My feelings about my life right now.)
My friend Stephanie and I had an in-depth discussion about it all today.
She aptly named it the ‘life treadmill’ where you have all these milestones you need to hit at a 6km/h pace. You know, fall in love, get married, buy a house and have a baby all by the age of 32. So you work really hard to try and get all of this shit to happen in a perfect timeline.
Let’s just say I’m definitely not on that treadmill, I think my mind decided to go bushwalking instead and all of a sudden I’m stuck in the mud and realising I hate the outdoors. I’m more ‘indoorsy’ than anything. I probs belong in a circuit class or something. (Who are we kidding, my cardio is walking through David Jones.)
Yet this treadmill way of thinking is something we try to control. We try so very hard to control the situation and begin to spiral when life isn’t happening exactly how it want to be. So we put a pause on the rest of our life trying so very hard to control what is outside of our control.
The video touches on that. And mentions, whether or not we’d like to admit it, we’re all control freaks in our own way.
I’ll go first.
I totally try to control any romantic situation because I would love to find myself in a relationship that doesn’t end in an article. I also try to control my work situation because I’m so ready for things to take off for me and for me to stop checking my bank account daily. Gucci, please call me already.
But all that control and holding on tightly to the hope that something will happen only creates resistance. It makes us focus on what we lack. And it makes us blind to all the good we have in our life.
I could explain more but I feel like you need to watch her explain it all to get the impact of the full video.
The biggest take home in the video for me was that ‘obstacles are detours in the right direction’. As for every shit heap in my life, something incredible has come out of it.
If I wasn’t sitting at home chugging up my guts, I wouldn’t have watched this video and come to this realisation.
We aren’t going to have the same life treadmill to our friend and that’s totally okay. I think we all could relax a little more and enjoy the process of life, including those ups and downs.
Don’t you think?
PS. Those who are certain of the outcome can afford to wait, and wait without anxiety – Gabrielle Bernstein. I fucking loved this line in the entire video.