My goals, lessons and achievements for October in my monthly letter from the editor, aka me!
Before we start: This is a little different this month. I’m not actually going to be talking about my debt, weight or savings. It’s all the same as last month, though I felt this needed to be said instead.
I confessed to a friend I was on struggle street writing my October recap. It was a pretty crappy month and didn’t exactly want to write a monologue that sounded like a pity party for one.
I told her I was still questioning myself in taking Professional Babe full-time one day as self-confidence and the awful comparisonitis is something I still struggle with.
I had someone call me out saying that I don’t have own my shit sorted out so I shouldn’t be giving advice to other people.
And yet when she said that, I seemed to have more emails, DM’s and friends asking me for advice than ever.
“This guy said this. What should I do?!”
“I can’t stop crying over my ex. What do you do to get over men?”
“I am starting a business and am worried about getting into debt. Help me!”
“What face cream should I use for XYZ?”
“Snickers or Mars Bars?!”
I felt like a bit of a fraud and was reluctant to respond to anyone.
I was busy dealing with my own confidence issues and fuck ups, and found myself navigating around the numerous bad decisions I made this month.
October didn’t feel like progress, it was more like holding it together.
I’m still out of debt but am beyond frightened of actually getting back there.
I’m worried about being hurt by men so I’m pushing a lot of people away or just want to close the door on a potential relationship if I feel as though there’s the slightest amount of resistance.
I had to give myself a pep talk to work because some days are just damn hard. Daily and on repeat, I had the whole ‘I’m a fraud. What the fuck am I actually doing’ rolling around my head.
For me, the theme of October was about trusting myself, the process of life and developing the confidence to put one foot in front of the other when I didn’t really feel as though I could.
It was about still showing up when I didn’t want to. Taking feedback when I really wasn’t in the right frame of mind to receive it. And dealing with shit when I already had stuff falling off my plate because it was piled too high.
I questioned my ability to actually give you guys decent advice. Like, is it the blind leading the blind if I’m still single giving you dating advice?
Though watching my favourite bloggers open up and admitting they to have the same fraud like feelings I do. They questioned their ability to give decent advice because they’re still figuring it out too. Even people whom I look up to and idolise like crazy, still admit to being a total work in progress. I admire that.
I think it’s what a lot of adult females actually go through causing us to question our ability so much.
If you’re reading this we are so lucky and fortunate to have the option to do whatever the fuck we want in life.
The downside is what a phenomenal amount of pressure associated with that. Pressure WE put on ourselves.
We worry about fucking life up, pissing off opportunities, turning away the right people or the right men. Not being in the right place at the right time, not saying the right thing or making the best first impression and stressing that we’ve just fucked our entire life up from one thing.
No wonder so many of us are always anxious and stuck in the comparisonitis cycle too. We open Instagram and see the many highs when not many people share the lows that we all go through.
And although I think it’s awesome we celebrate the good in our life, I also think it’s important we acknowledge the negative feelings and the lows and see them as a catalyst for change.
If you’re questioning that you’re fucking your life on a daily basis – good. It means you aren’t complacent. It means you really care about your life and want to craft one you’re happy to live.
I think shitty times really make you stop and think. They always make you appreciate the good times and everything you’re grateful for. But they also make you wonder what you really want and if you’re willing to put the effort in to get there.
I think we all compare ourselves when we see someone doing something we really want. And I know I definitely do that when I see my favourite bloggers Kristina Bazan and Jenny from Margo & Me.
So for now gladly wade through my sea of diarrhoea of it means one day I’ll be wading through a sea of Chanel. And I’ll continue to give you babes advice as best as I can, hoping that my immense fuck ups can help you in any way possible. Advice and stories that I wish I had access to, for those hard times, you know?
I read this on Facebook the other day and I guess it really does apply.
“It’s one of my theories that when people give you advice, they’re really just talking to themselves in the past” – Mark Epstein.
PS. Want to read my previous month? Click here!