I have a regular column at SheSaid where I talk about dating, relationships, sex and single life. My latest article talks about why people feel the need to say they want a monogamous relationship when really they just want sex?
I’d found myself in an online date’s bedroom after dinner one night. He was asking if I considered myself the submissive when it came to sex, all whilst showing me the 50 Shades style bondage goods that lived in his bottom drawer; anal beads included.
You’d think this would be the start of a ‘My Wildest One Night Stand’ story, but actually, it was a date with a guy apparently wanting to fall in love.
To preface, we met on Tinder – the place DTF singles congregate, and my personal preference of all the dating apps, as a sex-positive gal myself. To ensure we’re on the same page, I usually initiate a conversation asking a prospective date what they’re looking for, but to my surprise, on this occasion, it was the guy doing the asking. He informed me it was important for him to know, because he was looking for love; in his own words, “A monogamous committed relationship”. I was impressed.
Chit-chat ensued and dinner plans were penciled in. And although I’d jumped into a big investment date without properly screening the guy, I had a good feeling.
Though that feeling quickly faded when a raging boner overtook my phone screen, (apparently he missed the memo that one hundred per cent of women detest unsolicited dick pics) followed by, what was quite clearly his archived collection of nudes… and a text asking me to rank them in order of my faves. What unfolded was one of those situations where his actions definitely screamed louder than his initial words. This guy was clearly only here to get into my pants. And my horniness eventually gave in to his advances.
Fairly unshockingly, Mr I’m-so-ready-for-committment was nowhere to be seen once the deed was done.
So, what was with all the initial pretence?
I’ve always been very upfront about what I want with men, whether it’s sex, or something more serious; we’re all adults here. I couldn’t work out why this guy could be bothered lying about wanting a monogamous relationship.
What made him feel the need to say the words every commitment-seeking girl dreams to hear when he was in fact after a good time, rather than a long time? Was he just a fuckboy in disguise, trying to play me? You know, the kind of guy who knows how to say all the right things, sees girls as sex machines and inserts kindness coins in the way of compliments until sex falls out? You think you’ve stumbled upon a unicorn because he’s perfect and next minute, *poof*, he’s gone!
Or was Mr 50 Shades Drawer just testing the waters with that first dick pic, to gauge my reaction? Maybe he was worried if he candidly stated that he was on Tinder just for sex I’d bail and judge him? Potentially he’d been bruised from previous Tinder girls who weren’t as open to the idea of a casual affair as I was.
I’ve witnessed firsthand the judgment from society when you’re sexually empowered and open about it. In the past, I’ve been upfront about wanting no-strings sex only to have men slut-shame me and inform me they could never respect someone that freely gave up sex. (*Insert DGAF eye roll here*) I thought those outdated beliefs belonged in the 1950s, but obviously, I was wrong.
Read the rest of the article at SheSaid.com…
Photography by Alex Jack.